


It was void of all pain

by Lailaps



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bloodplay, Long Live Feedback Comment Project, M/M, Porn With Plot, S&M, Self-Harm, Smut, Song Lyrics, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-05-16
Packaged: 2019-05-07 17:57:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14676408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lailaps/pseuds/Lailaps
Summary: Nearly two months after I first met Lucifer, I went back to Lux. And as I stepped inside the lift which would eventually bring me to Lucifer, his strong scent swirled around me. I rested my throbbing head against my cold hands, and made up my mind. At that moment I knew that my time was up.





	It was void of all pain

**Author's Note:**

> Lyrics are taken from these songs:  
> Devil, Devil by MILCK  
> Breathe into Me by Marian Hill  
> So Good by Warpaint
> 
> So a huge thanks to these songs for inspiring me to write this.

_You won't make a fool of me, oh no_  
_What makes you so special, special_

 _Something divine, something hellish_ , I remember thinking the first time I saw Lucifer. And at that moment I knew what he was. Not a human, no. A fallen angel. Now, I couldn’t possibly imagine what his life was like, but I felt that the pain we both had dealt with in our lives was the same kind of pain. The kind of pain which kept you awake at nights, which haunted you. A pain you couldn’t shake or couldn’t drown, no matter what your pick in poison was.  
  
Nearly two months after I first met Lucifer, I went back to Lux. And as I stepped inside the lift which would eventually bring me to Lucifer, his strong scent swirled around me. I rested my throbbing head against my cold hands, and made up my mind. At that moment I knew that my time was up. And I was to commit the worst of all sins: throwing away the most precious gift any human is ever given. Life. And, of course, I was thinking of suicide.  
  
It wasn’t the first time I thought, planned or even attempted suicide, but during that moment I felt this clean certainty wash over me. I was certain that next time I wouldn’t fail, instead I would give up my life for good.  
  
The lift doors opened swiftly and I stepped inside Lucifer’s penthouse apartment biting my lip feeling insecure. To my surprise he was standing in front of me, hands in his pockets and with a sly smile on his face.  
  
“I knew you would come.” I opened my mouth but Lucifer raised his hand to silence me. “Now, now, I know _all_ about desires. And, of course, I recall us talking about it a while back. And – oh.” There was a glimmer in his eyes, and he tilted his head just a bit. “You’re going to kill yourself. How exhilarating.” He took a sharp breath and turned around. “Well, follow me,” he continued. He led me to a bar counter and for a moment I stared at the wall in awe. There was litres and litres of alcohol on glass shelves. I felt a shiver slither down my spine. Oh, how many thoughtless nights these shelves hold, I thought and smiled.  
  
Lucifer picked up a glass from the counter and I watched as he moved. His every move was as light as a feather. He picked up a bottle I didn’t recognize, with a dark label which read Old Fitzgerald. But surely, it was something expensive and arguably tasty. He poured the amber-coloured liquid into the glass and I took the drink from his hand, not giving a damn what it was, and poured it down my throat. Sweet, strong flavour filled my mouth. It was bourbon and I thought: Of course it is.  
  
Lucifer took the glass from my hand and poured another drink for me. Against all odds, I didn’t touch it, as my thoughts were already elsewhere. Passing a free drink for me was like passing sex for Lucifer. Odd and out of character, but I admit that exception proves the rule.  
  
Even though I was almost sure that he knew what I was there for, since he ‘knew all about desires’, I still said: “I want you to fuck me.” Lucifer shifted a bit, so that he could face me. He wasn’t exactly surprised, more like perplexed by the fact that I had the guts to say it out loud. His eyes, gleaming with lust, locked onto mine. Suddenly I was anxious and nervous. My hands were shaking and I felt flushed.  
  
I kept thinking what I’d done to gather enough courage to face Lucifer. Another shot, another drink, another glass of wine… Absolutely ridiculous amounts of alcohol was running in my veins, making my cheeks flushed, my heart race and my stomach ache. Yes, I was drunk, but it didn’t mean that I couldn’t consent to what was to come.  
  
I wanted him so much that it hurt. This time I wasn’t ashamed when I felt my cock press against the rough fabric of my jeans, as I let my mind wander towards Lucifer’s bed and under his clothes. I didn’t hide my insecurities, my lust. I reached my hand and I grabbed his with this despondent neediness.  
  
“Lucifer,” I said, my voice shaky. He responded with a grin and pressed his hand against my cheek and his lips against the side of my neck. I sighed. My breathing quickly escalated into a frantic panting. It made Lucifer smile his crooked smile. And I thought: You’re beautiful. Of course that was the one thing I did not have the guts to say out loud. Because I knew that he would joke about it.  
  
Lucifer kissed me, his lips demanding more and more. He took my hands and pushed me towards his bed with a content look on his face, like there was no place on Earth where he’d rather be. He shoved me and I fell on my back, eyes fixed on the ceiling. Lucifer was quickly on top of me, his hands pressing me against the soft bed, his lips against my throat. He proceeded downwards, ripping my shirt open and throwing it on the floor casually.  
  
And I could care less, as he sank his teeth onto my chest. I cried out in pain and my cries grew into a scream as he bit harder and harder. He managed to draw blood effortlessly, licking it from his lips.  
  
I had no boundaries and I believe Lucifer knew it. I longed for a pain that would make me feel alive. Because the pain I had inflicted on myself on numerous occasions wasn’t enough any more. No matter how sharp the blade or how deep the cut, it was never enough. No matter how many drinks, how many needles I stuck into my veins, it was never enough. My life had no bottom, no boundaries.  
  
I glanced at Lucifer and I fixated onto his bright eyes, his fingers playing with the belt buckle. Then I smiled and nodded to answer the silent question. Looking pleased, Lucifer promptly opened my belt. He was so sure, I noted, of his every move. He didn’t shy away from pleasure, like I had done so many times. He was, in so many ways, my opposite. He was as loud and rebellious, as I was quiet and obedient.  
  
Then, as if it came as a surprise to me, I was naked. Exposed. Every false fibre removed, all that was left was pure, unfiltered me. Lucifer’s hands moved up and down and his eyes stared at me with lust. He traced his nails against my skin, causing slight discomfort and tiny drops of blood to trickle on my skin. A foretaste of what was to come.

 _Taste my breath, do you like it?_  
_What comes next, you decide it_  
_Tease you with my fingertips_  
_Play with the haste that's on my lips_  
_Hold me closer_  
_And breathe into me_

The muscles in my body were trembling when Lucifer pressed his lips against mine. He kissed me violently, biting my lip until it brought tears into my eyes and the pain made me wince. His tongue made its way into my mouth, gently touching mine. I moaned and wrapped my arms around him, setting them against his neck. I fondled a loose strand of hair, making Lucifer weigh me down with his body. Suddenly he pushed himself away from me to unbutton his dress shirt. Quickly his clothes accompanied mine on the floor as he stripped himself of the expensive Prada. Now there was nothing between us except for words unsaid and desires untold.  
  


I let my eyes wander on Lucifer’s flawless body. It was perfection so divine that it made me scared. He was on his knees between my legs, parting them to make room for himself like he always did. There was always room, always a place for Lucifer. While I was beholding every single inch of his body, he picked something from his night stand.  
  
Candle light flashed of off a blade so subtly that my brains couldn’t register it in time before Lucifer dipped the blade through my skin like it was nothing. But the pain was like a flame under my skin. He pulled the blade from my thigh, sighing with lust and pressing his fingers against the fresh wound. His fingertips were covered with my blood, as he brought them against my lips. I slid my tongue against Lucifer’s slippery skin, licking the warm drops of blood off of his fingertips. The oily texture of my own blood filled my mouth. His other hand was somewhere else, searching for magic inside his bedside table. He pulled his fingers away from my yearning lips with a wicked smile on his face.  
  
“Take this,” he murmured and popped a small pill into my mouth. A fleeting feeling of curiosity urged me to ask what the pill was, but I ignored it. Like I gave a damn any more at that point. Come what may, I was ready. Ready to face it all, Heaven or Hell, it didn’t matter. “What do you desire?”  
  
“A deal,” I answered, our eyes fixed on each other.  
“A deal? With me?”  
“Yes,” I whispered and his question brought tears into my eyes. The pain was there again, knocking loudly, demanding to be let in. “Make me forget the pain.”  
“Well, what do I get in return? It’s not a deal if I don’t get anything out of it.” His voice was like velvet, it was the kind of voice you would do anything for. Well, Lucifer was that kind of a person you would do anything for.  
“My body. And my soul. It’s a fair trade. Please, get rid of my pain.” There was something in Lucifer’s eyes, something indecipherable when he nodded.  
“Deal.”  
  
And we kissed. I breathed in his scent, which wrapped me in a warm, comforting bubble.  
  
Lucifer wrapped his fingers around my neck, placing his thumbs against my Adam’s apple. And then he started to strangle me. There was a manic look in his eyes when he pressed his lips against my parted ones, as I tried to fill my lungs with air. My body was twitching and in desperation I dug my nails into Lucifer’s back, feeling the rough scar tissue under my hands. Lucifer was startled, but he didn’t let go. Unconsciousness started to eat the edges of my field of vision, filling it with darkness.  
  
Lucifer let go, and I gasped for breath, feeling dizzy and nauseous.  
  
“Last time you ran. This time I won’t let you,” Lucifer whispered into my ear. His voice was sharp, it was full of intention, full of factuality. I am yours, I thought, here and in Hell. He grabbed my hair and pulled my head backwards to expose my throat and leaned in. Lucifer slid his tongue against my sore throat. I cried out in pain as his lips turned to teeth. It felt like Lucifer’s hands were everywhere: against my chest, on my thighs scratching my skin until it bled more, on my cock moving up and down with restless motion. First I was crying in pain, then I was moaning with pleasure. I didn’t know up from down, pain from pleasure.  
  
The taste of blood on my mouth, Lucifer turned me over swiftly, his hands vigorously going through the contents of his night stand. His cock was against my thigh, a not-so-subtle cue to what was coming next.  
  
I glanced over my shoulder, just as Lucifer poured something to his hand. My thoughts felt cloudy and out of the blue I started feeling numb. The pain began to cease, like it wasn’t residing in my body any more, instead it now resided somewhere far away. I was cold, and I had the same feeling like I was high. Unreal feeling creeping up behind my head.  
  
“What did you – “ I started, but was interrupted by Lucifer: “Hush now! Don’t spoil it. You will feel better in a while, trust me.” Devil asking to trust, well, the Devil. It sounded ridiculous. My head was cloudy, so I couldn’t think properly any more. I pressed my forehead against the bed, squeezing the expensive pillow and digging my nails into its smooth fabric, which I assumed to be silk.  
  
Then Lucifer slid his fingers inside me and I moaned loudly. I tried to smother my moans, but was, again, interrupted by Lucifer. He yanked my hair, while moving his fingers back and forth, in and out. “Do not suppress your pleasure. I enjoy hearing it. Like I enjoy hearing your screams of pain.” I did like I was told, after all I had done a deal with the Devil.  
  
Lucifer put his hands on my hips and pushed himself inside me. I winced, rather because I was afraid it might hurt, not because it actually hurt. Lucifer’s breathing grew heavier and he adjusted himself for a better position. Then he started moving whilst grabbing my cock and it felt like I was going to implode right there and then. The realization that Lucifer, the Devil, was actually fucking me, and he was enjoying it was too much for me to handle. I felt a tingling sensation on my neck, whence it started to stream down my spine, wrapping around my hips and finding its way out from the tip of my cock.  
  
Thick, white sperm splashed against black silk sheets and the orgasm smacked all air out of me. I was breathing heavily, but I felt like I couldn’t fill my lungs. My arms felt numb, as I was supporting my body and preventing myself from collapsing against the bed. Sweat drops fell down my forehead.

 _You're too much, I can't take it_  
_You always seem to make my heart stop and_  
_I can tell that there's something in your eyes_  
_Calling me_

The sound of whip slashing the air above my head crackled in the air around us. I was still trying to recover, but then I felt Lucifer pull out and then a sharp pain against my back. The pain was far, but I could still feel it. Like the pain was someone in the mirror I didn’t recognize, though I should. I had no idea what Lucifer had given me, but that pill was something which fucked with my perception of reality in subtle way. I was detached from reality just a bit.  
  
Again. Now I screamed. The pain was, this time, inevitable. It didn’t matter how far it was, because the pain was so vicious that it shattered everything. Blood flowed from my back, down my flanks and with a quiet splash it hit the sheets under me. The blood instantly got sucked into the fabric. Lucifer swung the whip again, this time across my shoulder blades. Drops of blood splattered around me, as Lucifer swung the whip back and forth, hitting harder every time.  
  
After around thirteen lashes, Lucifer threw the whip right next to my head. It was stained with blood. Then he was inside me again, pulling himself slowly out, then forcefully back inside. He moaned and I felt when he started to shiver. His nails sank into the tender skin on my stomach and he moaned loudly. Lucifer kept his hands against my stomach for a while, breathing heavily. Slowly, he pulled out and rested his hands against my thighs.  
  
“Well”, he said, his voice almost back to normal. “I’m glad that the fun is not over. Turn around and show me your arms.” I did as he said, slowly turning around. I sat down right opposite of him, straightening my arms towards him. They were shaking, my skin was pale and blood adorned my skin. Lucifer traced the thick, red-tinted scar which ran down my forearm and stopped right before my wrist. It was less than a year old, the greatest shame and sin of my life: attempt at taking my own life.  
  
“Do you want to die?”  
“Yes”, I said quietly, acknowledging it out loud for the first time in long, long time.  
“I won’t do it. It would be too easy. And I’m not a killer.”  
“I know,” I snapped at him. “I’m not stupid.” He pressed his hand against the scar.  
“Every scar has a story.”  
“And I will tell you the story when we meet in Hell.” Lucifer grinned and nodded. He understood, which was a rare feature. Not a single psychiatrist had understood. But then, here in the City of Angels, the Devil himself understood. I stared at him in awe, not understanding how it was possible for him to understand.  
  
The pain was too much to handle. That’s why I was reluctant to tell anyone the story behind my scars. Those stories were not meant for this world. They were too painful, too difficult to handle.  
  
Lucifer smacked me right across my face and the force of that blow made me fall on my side. Lucifer rolled me on my back and shoved my legs apart. He was taller than me, so he arched his back just a tad to reach my lips with his own. He slid his cock inside me, this time his movements slower than before. They weren’t careful, they were calculated. He kept kissing me while at the same time moving his pelvis back and forth in a slow and steady motion.  
  
He wrapped his fingers again around my neck. He squeezed, not too hard, but just enough to make me feel light-headed. I was still able to breathe, so instead of my trachea, he was pressing the veins in my neck to obstruct the blood flow to my brain. And of course he knew how to do it, he was the Devil. He was used to torturing and punishing lost souls. He knew all the tricks in the book.  
  
I slipped in and out of consciousness. Everything went black and I felt like I was drowning in cold water. Then I was able to feel the blood flow freely again and there was an ecstatic rush. My head felt cold and my skin was crawling. My heart was pounding loudly making the blood gush in my ears. The pain in the wounds in my back was a throbbing in the same rhythm as my heart.  
  
Lucifer slid his fingertips along my jawline, examining my face with a strange look on his face. We kissed. Lucifer wrapped his arms around me, while still being inside me. I ran my fingers through his hair, it was something that Lucifer apparently enjoyed. A lot. He moaned against my mouth and started to move again. Back and forth, back and forth. The pleasure was messing with my head and the feeling that soon I would be unable to hold myself in one piece was overwhelmingly absurd. I was flushed, I could feel it, my skin was on fire.  
  
Lucifer’s warm fingers started to make their way to my cock. He ran his nails against it making me squirm. The mix of pain and pleasure was something new, it was exhilarating, it was mind-blowing. Lucifer was jerking me off, his eyes fixed onto mine. He was a great kisser, it was almost like his lips sent small electric-shocks into my body. I could feel his kisses in the pit of my stomach, on my tongue and of course in my cock.  
  
I came, suddenly, with a soft moan which I smothered against Lucifer’s shoulder. I was sweaty and weary when Lucifer sank his teeth into my neck one more time, before bursting inside me. He rolled right next to me, leaving his arm under me. Fatigue was just behind my eyelids, when I closed them, content and satisfied.

 _To think I would ever settle_  
_For that devious dance between you and me Devil, Devil_

And somewhere during all the pleasure and the pain, I lost track of my pain. It ceased to exist, well, at least for a while. I let it escape, hoping that the night would continue forever. Of course it didn’t, but a man can dream, can’t he?

 _And as the darkness falls it fills up both my eyes_  
_My life before me like a flash in the night_  
_With my arms open wide_

The importance of that night cannot be expressed with words. Words are meaningless. They are in vain in so many situations. I now realize that I was, desperately, in need of something not from this world. Something bigger to break me and put me back together. I sought pain, a pain so severe that it would eventually drown everything else.  
  
That night was to be my last. After that night, I was done with the Earthly world. It was not my place, not my time, not my life.  
  
The next morning I left Lucifer in his bed, and I drove back home, locked all doors. I left blood on my floors. Drops, big and small, decorating the plain wooden floors. Like the freckles on my face.  
  
And I went upstairs and collected all the pill bottles and I poured them all into a bowl and started taking them. Overdose was imminent. When I was still barely conscious, I took the last of them to make sure I would never wake up.  
  
And I let go of the life previously mine. I let my soul escape my body with a last, shuddering breath. Every pill I swallowed slowed my heart, slowed my body to an absolute stillness. Eventually, the whole world around me was quiet. And those last waves of pain lost their power. The last tide from my past hit me, and I barely noticed.  
  
Death wasn’t cold, it wasn’t unpleasant. It was void of all pain.

**Author's Note:**

> This story is part of the [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and appreciates feedback, including:
> 
> Feedback
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comments
>   * Questions
>   * Constructive criticism
>   * "<3" as extra kudos
>   * Reader-reader interaction
> 

> 
> [LLF Comment Builder](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/post/170952243543/now-presenting-the-llf-comment-builder-beta)
> 
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